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Joke of the Day

"I saw a sign that said ""Falling rocks"" I tried. It doesn't."

"What's the difference between a proclamation from the Vatican and a mail-order husband from ebay? One's a papal mandate and the other's a paypal man-date."

"I deserve an award for beating up a school shooter... I beat him up every day for nearly a year before he shot up the school."

"What is Aladdin's favorite Pokemon? Magikarp. So he can take Jasmine to a Magikarpet Ride."

"My dog always walked backwards... So I named him god."

"Oh my god, hotels. Relax. My stay was fine."

"To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. 'cause if you get any closer, I'm gonna assume you do and give you one."

"13: I have a friend that doesn't like baseball, chocolate, or bacon. Me: Pretty sure that's not a friend, bro."

"What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher."

"I went into a cafe and said, "" A crocodile sandwich and make it snappy."""