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Joke of the Day

"Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, ""You gotta bring it today!"" SO I'M GONNA BRING IT! *brings lunch to work*"

"So sorry I hit a nerve. I was actually aiming for a major artery."

"I'm really worried what will happen if Donald Trump runs as a third party candidate. I'm afraid there will be hell toupee."

"Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend. Me: Your dog is a good judge of character."

"Women only call me ugly, until they find out how much money I make Then they call me ugly and poor."

"I told my psychiatrist that I believe I have the power to detect Indian bread for miles around. He said that's naan-sense."

"Don't invest in skiing companies The whole sport is going down hill fast"

"Whispered ""I love you"" to my 2 yo. He whispered ""I know"" back. And w/that, he put his hand down the front of his diaper, and became a pimp."

"Why did the pedophile go into the cave? He was looking for miners."

"Jihadi math university question: Ahmed has 3 lunch boxes. He gives one to Mohammed and another to Hassan. Calculate the area it will cover after the explosion."