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Joke of the Day

"GUY #1: You free next week? GUY #2: Let me just check my dairy. GUY #1: You mean diary yeah? *cow walks by with ""dentist 11.30"" on it*"

"i told this girl at the bar that im kinda popular on twitter and she sighed for 17 minutes straight the bartender timed it"

"Coworker who supports Trump: Big weekend plans? Me: Huge. My weekend plans are so big you won't believe it. No one has bigger weekend plans."

"My cock was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records once. But it really pissed off the librarian and she kicked me out."

"God I hate kids. And people. And animals. And sardines. And stuff that's alive. And stuff that's dead. I hate stuff. I like cheese."

"People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat."

"If I die in a fire, I want my last words on my grave... ... ""I won't die, I'm 70% water!"""

"Went to a zoo the other day. The only exhibit was a dog. it was a shitzu"

"What was a poor Roman citizen's favorite breakfast? Fruity Plebbles."

"There once was a man from Dupree, Whose limericks ended on line three. I don't know why,"