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Joke of the Day

"i told this girl at the bar that im kinda popular on twitter and she sighed for 17 minutes straight the bartender timed it"

"What do you get when you drop a Piano on an army base? A flat major."

"How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?"

"Rosetta Stone should make software for whatever valley girl language my 16-year old stepdaughter speaks."

"why are all jewish men circumcised? because jewish women won't touch anything unless it's at least 10% off."

"""The first guy to suggest peeing on a jellyfish sting was called a pervert but it worked"" I said to my wife as she complained of a toothache"

"I used to be indecisive... But now I'm not sure. EDIT: I know this is an old joke, but it's one of my favorite one-liners, so I thought I'd share."

"""You think I'm immature? Well, you know what! Our relationship is-"" *holds up imaginary walky-talky* ""Chhh-over."""

"Waiter on ocean liner: Would you like the menu sir? Monster: No thanks just bring me the passenger list."

"Never make the same mistake twice. Make it three times. Be sure."