17371

Joke of the Day

"Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets."

"Why is Mickeys dog named Pluto? Because hes not a planet."

"Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance, they looked like hare."

"Q: What happened to the Irishman who tried to kill himself by .swallowing 100 pain killers? A: After two he began to feel better."

"Fred's new girlfriend uses such greasy lipstick that he has to sprinkle his face with sand to get a better grip."

"""The trash compactor is full so just dump that in a pan for now."" - Inventor of the fruit cake."

"Did you hear about the guy that copied a joke on /r/jokes? He insisted it wasn't a riposte."

"You shouldn't judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way."

"THERAPIST: you're running from something. what do u think it might be? [goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion] ME: uhfailure"

"""Like, 2?"" - someone in a decision-making position when asked how many outlets a hotel room should have"