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Joke of the Day

"My daughter asked me what it was like when I was a kid, so I took away all her electronics and made her play with a Rubik's cube."

"I married a hot girl from China So I can eat Chinese every night!"

"I don't try to be awesome, awesome tries to be me."

"""Hey, mate, rumors have it that you won a car in a lottery, wanna hang out sometimes?"" ""Yeah, it's mostly true, except it was a house, not a car. And poker, not lottery. And lost, not won""."

"I've survived 23 years by pretending to be smarter than I am. I tell people I excel in Academia but I can't even point Academia out on a map"

"What did the elephant say when he was pulled out of the quicksand by the balls? Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Ball!"

"With American Airlines stock at 20 cents, I can't decide between paying for two checked bags or buying half the company."

"""So why do you wanna work at Petsmart?"" *imagines running out of the store with all the dogs in my arms* ""I'm a people person."""

"Sees 40+ notifications. Starts to wonder if I accidentally uploaded a nude."

"Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we're done. Me handing him my boxers: I'm in a rush. Just wring these out."