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Joke of the Day

"Dear President Obama, I've got a joke for you... I texted it to Angela Merkel. Did you... *get it*?"

"How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but I've no idea how they got in there!"

"I just watched Harry Potter for the first time and it was a little unrealistic I mean, a ginger with two friends?"

"How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower? Hand the bitch a shovel"

"What if... ...the U.S. government builds a wall to keep the Americans in?"

"What is similar about a necrophiliac and an alcoholic? They both like to crack open a cold one"

"I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails."

"[police station] ""sir you get one phone call."" [calls 911] ""hello 911 what's your emergency?"" yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage."

"Why do artists die early in life? Too many strokes."

"What's the difference between karate and judo? Karate is a method of self defense and judo is what bagels are made of."