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Joke of the Day

"""You are what you eat"" I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog's ashes into my cat's food bowl"

"X-post from r/jokes: Mommy! I found a $10 bill today, but I threw it away, cus it was fake. ""Oh, how did you know it was fake?"" ""It had two zeroes instead of one."""

"I'm still learning my pronouns... But that is neither here nor there."

"As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn."

"Where do Danish cows come from? Cowpenhagenf"

"Vegetarian: 'You know, a cow died so you could have that burger'. Me: 'Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food'."

"Whats the difference between a pun, and a fart? One is a shift of wit and the other is a whiff of shit."

"So UBER is not a dating app? *sigh* I kinda thought all those 'Goodbye' kisses seemed more awkward than usual."

"Infants don't have nearly as much fun in infancy as adults have in adultery."

"5 Years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that same girl to marry me. Both times she said no"