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Joke of the Day

"What's pink and hard when it goes in, and soft and wet when it comes out? Bubble gum."

"Miss someone? Paint a helium balloon like their face. Deflate it. Put it in your back pocket. They're still gone and that was weird advice."

"""Mom, what does married mean?"" Taking naps together ""Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?"" No, that means he's getting divorced"

"Santa goes to Ethiopia. Starving kid says in his winding breath: *Santa presents...!* Santa says: **Santa doesn't gift children who doesn't eat properly!**"

"Saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as ""grabbing for swirling dollars inside a plexiglas Cash Cube."""

"[Alien monster is levelling Toronto] CANADAMAN: Excuse me, sir, SIR, could you stop please? SIR?"

"Back in my day we didn't call meeting strangers from the Internet in random places for a weekend ""tweet ups"" we called it ""shit you dont do"""

"Why are Austalian grocery stores the best? Because of their Koala Tea"

"Listen, I'll play that funky music if you ask me in a nice, non-derogatory way."

"A programmer goes to do groceries. His wife tell him: -- Buy a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, buy a dozen. He comes back with thirteen loaves of bread. -- But why?, she asks. -- They had eggs."