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Joke of the Day

"*finds own number on a bathroom stall* Call for a good time!? This is outrageous! *crosses out good; writes in GREAT* There. Fixed."

"Jan 1st, 2017: I'm finally going to start learning guitar. haha only kidding I'll probably just ride out my current interests until I die."

"[interview] ""I'm not sure your experience is sufficient for this position."" me: Trump is president ""Touche, you're hired"""

"I don't feel bad for the people killed in ""Jaws"". When I know where a murderer lives, I don't go swimming in his bathtub."

"I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life."

"My daughter put a horse's head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss."

"Two potatoes are standing on the street corner, which one is the prostitute? The one that says Idaho"

"What goes oo oo oo. A cow with no lips."

"WIFE: I think he's in a midlife crisis ""Why, did he buy a new car?"" WIFE: not yet [I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]"

"TIL that women have a second stomach for dessert. It's called the uterus."