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Joke of the Day

"What do West Virginians call a pretty woman? A tourist."

"When I was in Paris, I got up early to get some food. They had this huge mushroom buffet. Portabella, shiitake; Breakfast of champignons"

"Did you know that if you drive past the first drive thru window your food is free?"

"Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda-pressing"

"If I had a dime for every time I didn't know what was going on... I'd be like, ""Why ya'll keep giving me all these dimes?"""

"Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you. Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON"

"Yo mama so fat.... When she sees a school bus with white kids, she yells ""TWINKIE"""

"clip clop clip clop clip clop BANG clip clop clip clop Amish drive-by shooting."

"[purposefully keeps messing up my hot dog eating scene] director: cut! [sighs] bring in another hot dog, take 11"

"Me: I'm way tougher than you. Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural. Me: So? Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache."