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Joke of the Day

"I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer."

"I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ""Well, that's not going to happen."""

"i wish i had a cute laugh but instead i sound like a dying seal"

"Why did hitlers aircraft preform so badly after the invasion of russia? because they were stalin'"

"Women that say size doesn't matter are just? Shallow"

"Working at the office the other day and a lady came up to me and asked for a hole punch, didn't know she knew about my signature move."

"7 has started saying ""your life just got better,"" whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid's strong-suit."

"Dja hear about the LGBT who would only own a Dalmatian if its spots were bleached white? Bruella de Ville"

"*breathes on window creating condensation *starts to write in condensation *sneezes *head slams into window and breaks it"

"[asking a girl out] ME: So do you have a dog? HER: Yes, I do. She's very playful. ME: *nervously* Do you know if she's busy later?"