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Joke of the Day

"[asking a girl out] ME: So do you have a dog? HER: Yes, I do. She's very playful. ME: *nervously* Do you know if she's busy later?"

"""The Spoon"" Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. . Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink."

"How come about the ""About the Author"" never includes anything negative? ""He was born in Indiana where he's widely regarded as a scumbag."""

"What do you call two ants running away? Antelope!"

"If only success was measured by how self deprecating you could be... ...I'd still be below average."

"My friend begged me to stop playing Wonderwall I said maybe."

"You really dropped the ball today Ted. You're fired. ""Please, no. I can try harder."" You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died."

"Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will be a pizza history. Edit: Thank you for getting this on the front page!"

"It's about time I talked to the boy about the birds and the bees. If memory serves, it's the stork that delivers and the swallow receives?"

"I'm not sure how messed up this is. What did Bill Cosby say when he was asked about the child abuse claims? Kids say the darnedest things."