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Joke of the Day

"I have decided I will never get down to my original weight. Besides 7.5 pounds is unrealistic anyway."

"My New Years resolution is to not make a New Years resolution. I figure I am going to fuck it up anyway... I may as well do it from the start."

"4yo: I want to play squirt guns Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry? 4yo: YES Me: Okay, let's go"

"Apple bottom jeans... Boots with the fur... That's all you packed, Jessica? This is a camping trip. This is why we don't work as a couple."

"Why don't black people get on cruises anymore? They aren't falling for that one again."

"How are bears related to cooking? The pan... duh"

"In honor of To Set A Watchmen coming out soon, what would Harper Lee's book be called if she was Mexican? Tequila Mockingbird."

"What's that there? got you"

"Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82... ...I'm easily lead"

"What song did Scar sing when he fixed his car horn? Beep repaired..."