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Joke of the Day

"My family keeps telling me that when I die I should have my ashes made into a diamond There's a lot of pressure"

"I just realized I'm a bisexual. Every time I have sex, I have to buy it."

"What is the bank manager's favourite type of football? Fiver side!"

"Huh, maybe THIS pizza delivery guy will be the father figure I've been looking for"

"""I didn't see you in church last Sunday Nigel. I hear you were out playing football instead."" ""That's not true vicar. And I've got the fish to prove it!"""

"Why was Sir Isaac Newton buried at Westminster Abbey? Because he was dead."

"Can I legally change my name to the same name, but with a bigger font?"

"Walnut: I look exactly like a brain. Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree. Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella. Walnut: I look exactly like a brain. Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?"

"I hate how politically correct we have become as a society ... You can't even say black paint anymore. Now you have to say, ""Jamal kindly paint my house?"""

"How do you stop volcanoes from erupting? Give them earth control pills*!* heh heh heh..."