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Joke of the Day
"What happened when Sean Connery bought himself a little kitten? The cat shat on the mat."
Next Joke
"We are never going to defeat the Decepticons, they are too good. I mean Bumblebee can't even talk! ~Pessimist Prime."
"I've been crying a lot recently It's shocking how many girls carry pepper spray"
"<--Goes to gym 3 times a week... Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store."
"What'd the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where's my tractor?"
"I've been lying on the floor of this Cheesecake Factory for half an hour. Everyone keeps stepping over me"
"[At dinner with wife's friends] Me: may I chime in Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes- *my bag dings a little as I unzip it*"
"I saw 300 lbs crammed into a pair of small yoga pants so now I understand how the Tardis on Dr. Who is real."
"Hillary Clinton is like an art history major, old and useless."
"What do you call... What do you call nuts on the wall? -Walnuts. What do you call nuts on your chest? -Chestnuts. What do you call nuts on your chin? -Dick in your mouth."