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Joke of the Day

"Aladdin's love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors."

"What I say: Play outside. What my kid hears: Find a spot in the yard where I can't see you so I constantly imagine you've been kidnapped."

"the average man takes just over 6 minutes to cum during sex, do you know how long it takes a woman? Me either, I'm already sleeping by then."

"When do chickens stop laying eggs? Henopause"

"I just put in new countertops in my kitchen... Granite, they're not marble, but still..."

"My uncle once punched his 8-year-old daughter for cheating while playing cards. *He takes strip poker very seriously.*"

"Local news is like Facebook. You get stories you don't care about, some jerk talks about weather and it all ends with pictures of animals doing funny stuff."

"I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in.. and softly whisper... ""I'll do your housework for you"""

"""911, please help im dying"" Good cop: help is on the way Bad cop: just suck it up and be a man Dad cop: hi dying, im dad"

"I was going to make a chemistry joke But I know I won't get a reaction"