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Joke of the Day

"A vegan, feminist, and a crossfitter walk into a bar... I know because they told everyone in twenty minutes."

"I don't hate you, but if you we're drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck."

"I want a girl to go down on me As much as the Pokemon Go servers do"

"When two girls hate each other, they say ""we should DEFINITELY hang out"" and then take turns shouting ""definitely!"" until one of them dies."

"Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming [thinking of an excuse because I can't swim] Me: I got killed by a shark once"

"People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch - yes - but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!"

"Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it's probably just as well real lightsabers aren't available yet."

"Why can't Stevie Wonder see his kids? Because he's black."

"McD's drive thru: Welcome back. Me: Welcome back? That's pretty presumptuous. MDT: ... M: ... MDT: The usual? Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda."

"I like my women like I like my flyers. Passed out"