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Joke of the Day

"You know why Mayweather won't beat Pacquiao? Pacquiao isn't his wife."

"*interrupts your baby's first words* ""IF A PANDA WEARS A HANDKERCHIEF IT'S CALLED A PANDANA."""

"What does a whistle-blower do during a Russian blizzard? Nothing, he's Snowden."

"I recently bought some shoes from my drug dealer... I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day."

"The next iPhone will be without a... Screen. You can buy a wireless screen. We are removing it because it's bulky and old."

"Now that China has blocked Wikipedia, they're considering replacing it with... ... Xikipedia!"

"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools."

"I retweet to avoid any awkward silences between tweets."

"One time I invited a guy over for dinner but I didn't feel like cooking so I just poured us each a bowl of cereal really romantically."

"Nothing says "" My divorce didn't go as planned "" quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars"