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Joke of the Day

"Guns don't kill people. Cats don't sew mittens. Houses don't crap zebras. Lots of nouns don't verb other nouns. This isn't new information."

"You think you're not capable of violence, but then a bird sings at 6AM and you start researching surface-to-air missiles."

"Why isn't ebola airborne? Because niggers can't fly"

"Would you like some headphones? The air hostess said to me, 'Of course I would! Oh and how did you know my name was Phones?'"

"Jeff: i'm pro gun. Me: i'm anti gun. Greg: i'm vegan. Me: i'm pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun."

"I recently watched the news medias report on the presidential coverage. That's the joke."

"What did Ernie say when his friend tried to convince him he was ice cream? Are you surebert?"

"My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I'm the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food."

"What would Marilyn Monroe being doing if she were alive today? Clawing at the lid of her coffin."

"What do you want to do before you tickle someone? Test-tickles"