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Joke of the Day

"What did the pirate say on his eightieth birthday? Aye Matey"

"I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer I don't know what he laced them with but I have been tripping all day."

"I didn't make this joke up myself.. I reddit somewhere. My coworker said that about me and thought I'd share :)"

"[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE'S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN'T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD"

"A blonde walks into a bar yelling, ""65 days!"" A guy asks her, ""What's in 65 days?"" The blonde replies, ""I completed the puzzle in 65 days! The box said 2 to 4 years!"""

"For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can't even right now, obvs press THREE."

"A bear and a rabbit are both taking a shit in the woods The bear says, ""Do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?"" Rabbit: ""No, not at all."" So the bear wipes himself with the rabbit."

"No thanks, babies. If I'm going to let something inside of my body that's going to destroy my figure, it'll be cheese, bread and booze."

"I may not show up to work on time, but dammit I leave early."

"Knock Knock Who's there ! Clinton ! Clinton who ? Clinton your eye !"