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Joke of the Day

"[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE'S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN'T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD"

"How do weathermen get up a mountain? They climate."

"So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary's and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?"

"How do you want it die? Personally, i want to go out as my grandpa. Peacefully in his sleep. Unlike his passengers, screaming and crying."

"Parents always loved asking this joke. If a day old ant, takes a week to learn how to walk in a month's time, how many lemons are in a bag of pumpkins? A banana of this colour."

"It's weird how we are all here because of boners"

"Coworker: Man, it's brutally cold outside! Me: Yes, very weather, much winter."

"First Cannibal: ""Have you seen the dentist?"" Second Cannibal: ""Yes he filled my teeth at dinner time."""

"I used to play pocket hockey... ...but I stopped because the referee was a dick."

"Do you hate yourself? Do you wish someone would trip you down stairs? Do you enjoy lacerations & and surprise vomit piles? *hands you a cat*"