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Joke of the Day

"Me: Did you just put your fingers in my drink? 5yo: I don't have poison on my fingers! Me: But why did you....wait, what?"

"Was really suicidal, so I called the suicide hotline. They patched me through to Al-Qaeda."

"It was pretty hard to find a cheap way to get our son circumcised... ...But in the end we pulled it off."

"If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I'd choke to death swallowing it."

"I really enjoy my morning expresso... ... it's always esploding with flavour."

"Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."

"NEVER shake a baby. Unless you think it might have money in it."

"Whats the difference between a good haircut and a bad haircut? About 3 weeks."

"""This guy gets it."" - me, whenever I see someone sleeping"

"I have a big business on kids and murders. They all love my ferrets."