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Joke of the Day

"Bitch, shut up and look riveted as shit while I get stoned and talk about crossbows for like three hours."

"What type of weed do lizards smoke? Mariguana."

"I just bought myself a can of Lynx Africa. I always wondered what AIDS, famine and civil war smelt like."

"This girl just said, ""You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?"" and I was all like, ""Nope."" and walked away."

"Got in a fight with my wife while camping... It was in tents."

"Steve Jobs' entire legacy is invalidated by the shortness of the iPhone charger's cord."

"what do you call it when you sext someone and they dont respond? Molexting"

"Do you know why eggs are the only thing to laugh at 9/11? Because it's an inside yolk"

"You wanna hear a dirty joke A horse fell in the mud. And then some crazy lesbian who hates horses put on a strap on and fucked it till it died."

"Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn't mean I'm getting old, right? Means I'm turning into a werewolf! Right?"