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Joke of the Day

"Hey girl, if I could change up the alphabet, I'd replace U with a more interesting character. Since we're on anti-pickup lines today."

"I'm lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess."

"There's always some truth behind: Just kidding, Knowledge behind: I don't know, Emotion behind: I don't care & Pain behind: It's okay."

"I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it."

"Why are so many Italian men named Tony? When they ship them over from the Old Country, they stamp ""To N.Y."" on them..."

"I can tell when two words go together well to define a new thing. I call it portmantuition."

"I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she's traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head."

"What do you call a hippopotamus that's a gigalo? A hit-the-spotimus."

"I've started going to AA (Illiterates Anonymous)"

"I see dead people. Well technically they're stupid people, but give me a few minutes."