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Joke of the Day

"Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP"

"Anyone hear the one.. Anyone hear the one about the messy bed? Yeah, I made it up."

"BBC News: Man is killed by wave. Fuck, how big was the other guy's hand!?"

"The other day I was trying to make a noise with two of my fingers and my thumb, and no matter how much I practiced nothing seemed to work... Then it clicked"

"I have my entire Valentine's day planned with my toaster! Okay, so first, we're going to take a bath."

"Borrowing Money ""Glad to see you, old man. Can you lend me five dollars ?"" ""Sorry, but I haven't a cent with me today"" ""And at home ?"" ""They're all very well, thank you, very well""."

"[at church] ""I'm here for the blood."""

"I'm the Nokia phone in a room full of iphones"

"What's the one good thing about pedophiles? They drive slow in school zones"

"Why did the Polish man think his wife was plotting to murder him? He found a bottle of polish remover on her dresser"