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Joke of the Day

"[date] Her: so you're a mathematician? Me: no actually I'm a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician"

"This guy at my school has eight zits on his face. We call him octo pus."

"My doctor is getting REALLY tired of me asking if the stuff I see in commercials is right for me."

"Why was the horizontal plane judged in Germany? It was x-axis"

"How many bricks do you need to screw in a lightbulb? Just two, but you're going to need a lot of patience and light bulbs."

"If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won't open the door. I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no."

"I went out for a pelican curry last night.... It was really nice, but the bill was enormous!"

"Ever think about an old friend and wonder what they're doing right now? They're playing on their phone. Everyone is playing on their phone."

"Complained to my wife about our sex life diminishing. Zero fucks were given."

"If you are lonely, dim all the lights and put on a horror-movie. After a while it won't feel like you are alone anymore..."