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Joke of the Day

"Just updated my resume. Hobbies section now includes: ""Currently tied with Lance Armstrong in Tour de France victories."""

"He is on that bird call website a lot. - My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers."

"Tomatoes grow so fast. Other plants can't even ketchup."

"What do communist leaders call protesters? Red paint."

"That one about the three helium atoms is pretty funny. HeHeHe"

"Caught out in the wilderness without any toilet paper? Just take a leaf out of Bear Gryll's book... Edit: Spelling"

"Why was the lesbian nervous about her first trip to China? All the dongs."

"The Scots are updating the perception of traditional Scottish fare. Oatmeal porridge will now be known as a Highland Smoothie."

"I went to a fancy restaurant last night and a man was complaining about his escargot. The waiter just shrugged it off. ""I'm sorry sir,"" the waiter told him. ""All snails are final."""

"I'm thinking of becoming one of those hot girl accounts where you show like 70% of your face and tweet about your period and wolves"