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Joke of the Day

"I'm thinking of becoming one of those hot girl accounts where you show like 70% of your face and tweet about your period and wolves"

"Procrastination is just like masturbation It feels good but you wish someone else would just do it for you."

"In the toy shop in my area, packet balloons cost $0.10 each, but $10 when filled with air? God damn inflation."

"What is the one smell you can never get out of the house, no matter what you spray or what incense you burn? Your grandparents."

"I saw on the news that when snorted, nutmeg becomes a mild hallucinogen. So I'm going to work today 'megged the fuck outta my mind."

"[For enemies] You know the difference between you and I? You came out of your mom. I came in her."

"I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups."

"Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression? Me: no they both liked it"

"A boss at a workplace says to his secretary, ""File this report, please.""""You file it, sir,"" the secretary replies. ""I'm a secretary, not a woodworker."""

"Obama: Please don't talk to me until I've had my morning cup of Joe. Joe: no please no more. Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*"