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Joke of the Day

"If Ryan Gosling doesn't ask me to be his valentine, I'm moving on. This ship has sailed. This ball has sunk. This fart has flatulated."

"[sliding $5 to the zookeeper] Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?"

"I'm not sure how I can prove it, but I think I'm actually more stupid since joining Twitter..."

"So my friend asked me if I wanted some Sodium Hypobromite... and I was like, NaBrO"

"What do white supremacists drink at their rallies? White Powerade"

"I entered a pun contest... ...on the radio last week. I won."

"I had a nightmare where Footloose was rebooted as many times as Spiderman."

"Apple and Fifty Shades of Gray are popular for the same reason ... ... they both offer the fantasy of being dominated by a rich guy, who pushes the boundarys of what you though you were into."

"Why does Leonardo DiCaprio love his fast car? Because he got an award for revvin' it."

"What you call a responsible porn star? Fistfully conservative!"