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Joke of the Day

"If Ryan Gosling doesn't ask me to be his valentine, I'm moving on. This ship has sailed. This ball has sunk. This fart has flatulated."

"I'm watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me."

"""911 what's ur emergency"" This guy's not breathing ""Did u send him ur vibes?"" Yes I been sending em ""I'm sending some too"" Okay he good now"

"What's the similarity between Chris Brown being released and Pokemon Go being released? An increase in battery cases."

"A woman calls the nursing home to see how her father is doing. 'He's like a fish out of water.' You mean he's having trouble adjusting?' No, I mean he's dead.'"

"Why aren't there any walmarts in Afghanistan? Because there's a Target on every corner!"

"dddddddddd ddddddddd dddddddddd ddd ddddddd ddddd dddd Sorry my keyboard was broken. I fixed it by giving my keyboard some Prozac because it was d-pressed."

"Hitting on girls at the bar is like payday I never get the number I asked for."

"Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze. My 8 y/o daughter told me this joke."

"A man walks into an eye doctor and asks to see the doctor... The nurse replies, ""Not with that eye!"""