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Joke of the Day

"I bought a Valentine's Day card for everyone at our local Tourette's Society... It's the thought that cunts!"

"How do you confuse a man? You don't - they're born that way."

"""Most of Refugees are Doctors and Engineers"" -Barack Obama Thats right, they are all gynecologists"

"*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe* yoga instructor: you need to leave me: oh is this not child's pose?"

"Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks."

"HBO cancels ""Luck"" after horse deaths. Their next endeavor is to make a mini series called ""Glue""."

"My next tattoo will be ""helvetica"" written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her"

"We don't have a chimney but I've assured my children that Santa and anyone else could easily sneak into our home at night."

"""Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight"". - Why we'll be speaking Chinese in 50 years."

"Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?"