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Joke of the Day

"I bought a Valentine's Day card for everyone at our local Tourette's Society... It's the thought that cunts!"

"I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision."

"Grammar Nazi vs. Hitler Soldier:""Sir, we are mining too many useless ores."" Hitler:""So mine less!"" [Grammar Nazi busts in] ""MINE FEWER"" [Hitler looks up] ""Yes?"""

"Just think of the money we could have saved with Hillary. We would have saved 24% by hiring a woman."

"A cattle truck passed me on the highway He was haulin' ass"

"Married life - Honey, are you jealous? - Nope! - Admit it, you're jealous! - I told you, I am not! - Then give me a kiss! - GO KISS THAT UGLY-ASS WHORE WHO LIKED YOUR FACEBOOK STATUS!"

"Stop correcting my vodkabulary"

"What does a desperate Mexican do? Bangs his head against the wall."

"Which burgers are dishonest? Cat-burgers! (burglars)"

"If you tell me to make myself at home, don't be surprised when I take my pants off and drink all your vodka."