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Joke of the Day

"I joined the DNA this week . . . The National Dyslexic Authority"

"My missus has a punctuation fetish Whenever she has a period, I get to use the colon."

"How does a vagina tell time? With a twatch"

"I almost had a threesome last night... Just needed two more people."

"I got tired of smelling soggy tacos, so I quit working at Taco Bell. Also, the food smells like shit."

"GF looking at lines in carpet: Aww, you vacuumed for me? Me: *flashback to me rollerblading in the living room* Sure did, babe."

"I just want 5 minutes alone with the person who thought it was a good idea to put little plastic stickers on every piece of fruit"

"me: mom i like this person from twitter mom: TWITTER IS LIKE CRAIGSLIST YOU THINK YOURE BUYING USED BOWLING SHOES AND YOU WIND UP DEAD"

"There are 10 types of people in this world Those that understand binary. The eight types that don't give a fuck. And those that expected this to be a ternary repost."

"Being an adult is basically that feeling when the fireworks are over and it's time to go home, but all the time."