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Joke of the Day

"I became rich by selling fertilizer. I have some very prosperous phosphorus."

"Why did the witch get a car with manual transmission? Because she prefers to drive stick!"

"Did you hear about the midget psychic who escaped prison? He was a small medium at large."

"If these celebrity stints in rehab were any shorter, they'd be drive-thrus."

"When John Wayne died, he had 40 pounds of fecal matter in his intestines. It sounds like a lot of shit, but it's true."

"When Donald Trump talks about wanting to help 'the little guy' -- -- he means he needs a prescription for viagra."

"I had a dream that I killed all the dumb shirtless guys with 'swag' and their duckfaced girlfriends. It was the Yolocaust."

"What do you call an epileptic cow? Beef jerky."

"My son's taking French and my daughter is learning sign language and now I have no idea what anyone's talking about anymore."

"Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family's home and stealing their food, as long as you're a white girl."