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Joke of the Day

"What do Mike Piazza, and an altar boy have in common? They were both catchers for the Padres."

"""Sorry dad... my cat ripped your sweater"" ""Darn it!"""

"Hey people who say 'I want my funeral to be like this': what are you going to do about it if they don't do it like that?"

"Boss: Are you high? Me: If I was high could I do this? B: What? You aren't doing anything M: sorry I'm super high. What was the question?"

"What's the difference between an Iraqi middle school and a terrorist training camp? Fuck if I know, I just fly the drone."

"Sat next to a baby on an airplane. Ten hour flight. I had no idea it was even possible to cry for ten hours straight. Baby was also surprised that I pulled it off."

"Buttsex is a lot like spinach If you're forced to have it as a child. You'll never enjoy it as an adult. Thank you Daniel Tosh."

"I like my women like I like my radioactive isotopes... Really hot and completely unstable."

"I asked a friend of mine from New Zealand how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting, but he fell asleep."

"What do you call it when you make fun of someone's gambling addiction? Slot shaming."