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Joke of the Day

"*wakes up in cold sweat* SHOULDN'T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?"

"(Outside at dusk) Wife: Lovely evening. Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious."

"I'm not saying Martha Stewart is old, but... she needs a new Walker more than the Fast and Furious franchise."

"What's common between sex on a boat and Coors Light? They are both close to water."

"WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us? OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*"

"Texting you back right away doesn't make me a psycho. What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat."

"Where do you put the Duke? In the duke box!"

"Politicians and diapers have one thing in common... they should both be changed regularly... and for the same reason."

"Se7en is a great movie even if you haven't seen o1e, 2wo, thr3e, 4our, 5ive or 6ix."

"[rap battle] *drops the mic* *scrambles around trying to pick up the mic* [20min earlier] *other guy covering my mic in butter*"