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Joke of the Day

"I'm not saying Martha Stewart is old, but... she needs a new Walker more than the Fast and Furious franchise."

"there's two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job"

"I'm not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips."

"You call it an unfinished window, I call it a draft."

"I like to help my children think up cruel nicknames for the other kids at their school."

"What do you call a Mexican midget? A paragraph, because he's not a full ese."

"Toddlers are the only life form that can exist entirely on their own snot, one goldfish cracker, and half a chicken nugget a day."

"What's worse than finding a dead monkey on your piano? Finding a diseased beaver on your organ."

"You've won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you'll be a transgender time traveler."

"A priest, a pedophile and a rapist A priest, a pedophile, and a rapist walk into a bar. Then he sits down"