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Joke of the Day

"Why did the can-crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing."

"How do you break concrete in Doctor Who? With a Captain Jackhammer."

"All I'm saying is when I'm drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time..."

"Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He's never gonna give you Up."

"Why does Ed Miliband like advent calendars? Because it's his only chance to open the door to Number 10!"

"Ukrainian underpants Why should you never wear Ukrainian underpants? Because Chernobyl fall out"

"From Neil Gaiman's ""Sandman"" A woman is crying on the street: ""HELP! I've been reaped!"" ""You mean raped?"" asked a man. ""No! he used a scythe!"""

"[interrupts co-worker] actually I don't feel like talking to you"

"I really love the way the earth rotates... It makes my day."

"I can't believe my neighbors came to my house at 5:00 AM... ...thank god I was already up playing the bagpipes."