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Joke of the Day

"I never feel guilty about eating baby carrots because it's not like adult carrots are doing anything great with their lives."

"Want to hear a joke about vaginas? Actually nevermind, you'll probably never get it"

"Why was little Jimmy fishing in the well? Because Tom had previously drowned in the well and everyone said ""Tom is sleeping with the fishes."""

"Some people say I have a dark sense of humor. Not as dark as the charred remains of a holocaust victim."

"[end of long conversation] HER: let me give you my number ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name? HER: ME: HER: k-i-m ME:"

"Last night for Halloween, I saw exactly 12 people dressed like Eleven. I know this because after the 9th 11, I swore I'd never forget."

"You know what the difference between an SUV and a rental car is? You can take a rental car *anywhere*."

"Are you gonna tattle to HR every time I threaten to burn your baby? Grow up!"

"yo mama so fat when she dive into the ocean there is a tsunami warning out!!"

"I was beaten to a lead role in a film, and have planned to get my revenge with Matt Damon ever since. I'll make him wish he'd never been Bourne."