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Joke of the Day

"Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. These are the five stages of learning that Ben Affleck is the new Batman."

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"Osama, Ghaddafi, and Kim Jong Il? Santa must be taking his naughty list a tad seriously this year."
"[taking atendance] teacher: jimmy jimmy: here teacher: susie susie: here teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel omnipresent sentinel: always"
"if i told you you have a beautiful body.... would you hold it against me?"
"Biggest fears: 4. Dancing in public 3. Spiders 2. Forgetting names 1. Dancing in public with spiders who's names I forget"
"Did you hear about Lance Armstrong having a threesome? He was killing two birds with one stone"
"A man walks into a bar holding a piece of asphalt. The man says, ""A beer please, and one for the road!"""
"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."
"A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He sidled up to the bar and announced, ""I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."""
"How do you make a cat go woof? You pour some gasoline and toss a match and WOOF!"
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