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Joke of the Day

"Mario Kart: 1) stays in first place for 3 laps 2) gets passed by 5 people at last second 3) slams controller 4) quits job 5) divorces wife"

"Why isn't diving an event in the Special Olympics? It's a pain in the ass to retrieve the wheelchairs."

"How many animals are in a pair of pantyhose? Well there is 10 little piggies, 2 calves, an ass, a pussy and a dead fish, no one can find."

"I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can't enjoy any of it"

"Son: ""Dad, can we talk about the sex with my girlfriend?"" Dad: ""Sure. What's up, buddy?"" Son: ""Could you please stop doing it?"""

"I think I'm going to adopt a kid.. Recycling is important, after all."

"**mass text** Girl, you know you're the only one."

"How many frames per second does it take to screw in a light bulb? 30 because that's peasants work."

"What does Donald have up his sleeve? A Trump card."

"What do you call a hooker who likes noodles? A Pastatute"