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Joke of the Day

"I don't know why everyone is so upset about the rioting in Ferguson The rest of America is going to do the exact same thing on Friday, they just got a head start on holiday shopping."

"So the FBI paid professional hackers to unlock the shooter's iPhone. But whenever I pay hackers to unlock an iPhone, I'm ""too insecure to be in a relationship""."

"*pushes vending machine over NO YOU'RE OUT OF ORDER!"

"My standards are as high as my pull up bar which is on the ground, in my basement."

"What did Stevie Wonder's younger brother think their parents named him after British royalty? Because they named him Stevie Twoder."

"Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess. Murderer: I didn't do nothin' Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer."

"Don't post negative things here Electrons"

"Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's pretty time consuming. I'll escort myself out now."

"I own a gossipy parrot... which really says a lot about me."

"met the cutest girl today. her eyes were gentle, like the light from a phone screen and her smile glowed, like the light from a phone screen"