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Joke of the Day

"What mistake did the chronometer make while it was getting along well with the digital watch? It asked the digital watch for its hand in marriage."

"Watching the Olympics. Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL! Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty."

"In a recent sleep study performed by clowns 9 out of 10 people didn't even know they were being watched."

"*places empty liquor bottle on shelf for display* I'm An Animal Now Everyone. I Decorate With Trash. Literally An Animal"

"has anybody ever actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are people just trying to stop me from living my life"

"Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie ""Seven"" with me and Morgurt Freeman? Doctor: I think you mean Morgan Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan"

"I married way too young She was chinese."

"What do you do when your girlfriend starts to smoke? Slow the pace and apply more lube!"

"You're never too old to throw random shit in people's shopping carts when they aren't looking."

"So he says "" Nice glasses"" and I say "" Thanks! They're for seeing "" *slaps knee*"