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Joke of the Day
"They say kill 'em with kindness but it's much quicker if you just take their phone charger away."
Next Joke
"Instagram is experiencing difficulties. Until further notice, please cease visually chronicling the tedious mundanities of your life."
"What do you call a smart knife? Cleaver! EDIT: Also Sharp, knew about this one but I like Cleaver better."
"Gay bashing is terrible but gay dashing is just how we get from place to place."
"People say musicians are gems I used to think Simon and Garfunkel were real gems, but then I about diamond and carbuncle."
"Did you know humans are born with four kidneys? Two of them grow into adult knees."
"Scientists have recently discovered the existence of a mentally unstable microscopic parasite on the moon... Apparently it's a real lunatic"
"My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally."
"My wife and I were watching some Show jumping. She looked at one of the horses and cackled, ""Look at the cock on that thing!"" I said, ""Don't be rude, he's probably a nice guy."""
"""Git yer cotton pickin hands off a my gin."" -Eli Whitney"