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Joke of the Day

"My wife said she is leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants... Guess I won't be needing those anymore."

"Who named the Sperm Whales? Seamen."

"I accidentally dropped a piece of my bagel in the trash and it feels like a relative died."

"I saw a woman breastfeeding her baby on the bus today... And the lady beside me started freaking out. In retrospect, it probably wasn't the best time for a wank."

"What is atheism? A non-prophet organisation."

"Weird how TV characters hardly watch any TV."

"We all wear masks. I'm about to trade in my 'polite coworker' mask for my 'dude you don't want to meet in a dark alley' mask In 3...2...1"

"*gives joke answer to daughter's 75th consecutive question* [20 years later, she's in an office] ""Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973"""

"Why is Charlie Sheen always seen smiling? Because he's so damn positive!"

"[Court] ""Do you swear to tell the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?"" Me: yes. *GF from the back* DO THESE PANTS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?"