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Joke of the Day

"[Court] ""Do you swear to tell the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?"" Me: yes. *GF from the back* DO THESE PANTS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?"

"Me: ""I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself."" Twitter: lol, you said ""came""."

"""Fluffy died today"" ""Oh my god I'm so sorry, was he a cat or dog? ""He was a boa constrictor"" ""Well that made me feel better"""

"Tried to take a photograph of some fog Mist"

"Can't believe it's been four years since we all pretended Michael Jackson never touched a child."

"Why does Lebron James drive automatic? He has no clutch."

"What's the difference between a red head and a blue head? Your grip."

"Why did Pinocchio's nose get longer? Because he told his wife he cheated on her."

"My girlfriend got sacked from work and then lost her appeal. I only found her appealing because she had a well paid job."

"""Can I take your order?"" Wait, take it where? ""No, not-"" I haven't even given you my order yet ""I mean-"" WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER"