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Joke of the Day

"We all wear masks. I'm about to trade in my 'polite coworker' mask for my 'dude you don't want to meet in a dark alley' mask In 3...2...1"

"I am a virtuous woman, that's why I cost more!"

"I hate you more than the guy that raised his hand after the teacher said we could all go early if there are no more questions."

"One man's trash is another man's girlfriend."

"""Push harder"" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor... ""Screw you"" she screamed back at me. Bit harsh I thought...... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!"

"I know I'll be a good father. I've had my iPhone for over 6 months now and I've only dropped it 182 times so far."

"Sometimes I get take out sushi and eat it at an aquarium just to remind the fish who's boss."

"Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me."

"What's grandma's favorite seasoning? Old Bae"

"If the Zombie Apocolypse doesn't start out like the dance portion of the Thriller video I'm going to be so pissed."