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Joke of the Day

"[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my resume to get] ME: *does Madonna's Vogue choreography for 45 min*"

"My friend told me he hasn't pooped in a week. I told him he was full of shit."

"What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp ? A bear faced lyre !"

"Warning: This movie may contain nudity. Either it does or it doesn't, don't waste my time."

"""Still hung. Over."" -- well endowed truck driver."

"Why was Santa upset when he got a sweater for Christmas? Because he was hoping for a screamer or a moaner."

"Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we're gonna fight crime together"

"What do you call it when a prayer is answered? A coincidence."

"This salad tastes like I'm about done with my New Year's Resolution."

"What did the Indian boy say to his mother as he left for school? Mumbai!"