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Joke of the Day

"Life is like a dozen roses... it's full of pricks!"

"If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a NUT"

"I made a new company, selling landmines that look like prayer mats Prophets are through the roof."

"Since the presidential race has literally a dick measuring contest... who would win the election if the election is decided by dick measurements? Hillary Clinton of course!"

"You know, the world doesn't revolve around you! ...because it'd take too long if it did."

"What did the boy with no arms or legs get for Christmas? I don't know, he couldn't open it."

"Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it's a technical problem. Keep trying."

"What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claustrophobia!"

"My wife told me to give her 12"" and make her scream... So I did her 3 times in the poop chute and wiped my junk on the curtain. (can't remember where I stole this from)"

"You could tell my parents hated me... My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. (RIP Rodney Dangerfield)"