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Joke of the Day

"Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants."

"What's an old woman taste like? Depends ..."

"Ever wonder where people got their surnames from? Mr. Baker was probably a baker. Mr. Butcher might have been a butcher. ...then there's Mr. Dickinson."

"It's not the most beautiful poem, but it's pretty deep I dig you dig he digs she digs we dig"

"The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."

"The TSA doesn't take compliments well... All I said was that the TSA was the **BOMB** and they wouldn't let me leave!"

"Mugger: ""Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!"" Me: ""My personal identification number number?"" *he stabs me*"

"what idot labeled all the orange juice labels w/ ""no pulp"" insted of ""pulp fiction"""

"Everyone has a special talent, I like to think mine is ruining people's day."

"Haven't been able to tweet much recently. Need to cut back on real life."