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Joke of the Day

"if you're hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme."

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"[halftime] Coach: Okay men we're literally losing at basketball to a dog... any ideas? -I have one. *pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*"
"Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress."
"CaO+H2O=Ca(OH)2 Is this reaction illegal too?"
"Me: What do you want for breakfast? 4yo: Bagel Me: *makes it 4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel"
"I'd never lie just to get a girl to sleep with me, is one of my favorite lies to tell girls that I am trying to sleep with."
"Just bought a white pool stick... Now, I shoot better then the rest of my school."
"As we stripped off jumping into the bed I said to my boyfriend, ""Can you give me a minute?"" ""Why? Want to freshen up?"" He asked. ""No,"" I replied. ""Its just that last time you only gave me 30 seconds."""
"Can bees fly in the rain ? Not without their little yellow jackets !"
"Ketchup Bottle Joke [Source Inside]"